[6 Minute Read]
Dating can be a rollercoaster of emotions, but when you find yourself with a securely attached partner, the ride settles into something so much smoother and more fulfilling. When I met my current partner, it was astonishing what a difference our relationship was compared to some of my past experiences. My own growth journey had a lot to do with it (more on that at the end), but experiencing secure attachment in my partner was like having a reliable anchor in a stormy sea. It brings a sense of emotional stability, trust, and understanding that nurtures a healthy and enduring connection.
So, what exactly is it like to date a securely attached partner? Read on to learn more.
1) You feel safe and supported
First and foremost, dating someone securely attached means experiencing genuine emotional security. You feel a sense of ease and peace. Unlike those who are anxiously attached (constantly seeking reassurance), or avoidantly attached (distant and aloof), securely attached individuals are comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They strike a healthy balance between closeness and independence, making the relationship feel like a truly safe space. Their presence brings a sense of comfort and reassurance - one you don't have to constantly seek out. If you're anxiously attached, a secure partner can be a wonderful person to partner with. You will still need to tend to your own needs and growth as a person, but you'll find you're far less triggered in your relationship than you would be with someone avoidant. Over time, it can even help you yourself become securely attached. Those who are avoidantly attached may also find that a secure partner gives them the space they crave while they work on their own issues (though the secure partner may still ask them for more intimacy and commitment than they are initially comfortable with). Both anxious and avoidant partners may, at first, find that the idea of feeling "safe and supported" is a little foreign, weird, or even boring. Give it time! As long as your partner is treating you well, it may be worth it to ride it out and see how your feelings develop. You're worthy of comfort and security, even if it feels a little weird at first.
2) Communication is not a constant struggle
Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and with a securely attached partner, it flows (almost) effortlessly. It's important to note that it won't ever be "perfect", and much of it will also rely on each partner's ability to regulate their emotions and communicate in healthy ways. Securely attached partners are adept at expressing their needs, emotions, and boundaries while also being attentive listeners. There's an openness and honesty that fosters deep understanding and empathy between both partners. This creates a space where conflicts are resolved constructively, strengthening the bond instead of driving a wedge between you. And, if a conflict doesn't feel resolved, it's much easier to bring it up and discuss your concerns. Secure partners are able to work through inevitable conflicts without becoming physiologically dysregulated and implementing unhealthy tactics (such as yelling, name calling, criticizing, stonewalling, threatening to leave, etc). Securely attached individuals are not free from participating in conflict, but the key difference is how they handle that conversation/conflict.
3) They value trust
Dating a securely attached partner means experiencing a profound sense of trust. They don't play games or engage in manipulative behaviors. Instead, they approach the relationship with sincerity and integrity. You never have to second-guess their intentions or worry about hidden agendas because their actions align with their words. This trust forms the foundation of a solid partnership built on mutual respect and admiration. This may make secure partners seem a little "boring" at first — there's no drama, self-doubt, or mind games to keep you on your toes — but that's because your nervous system is not constantly on high alert. This feeling of ease can seem foreign if you’ve been conditioned to believe that relationships are meant to be painful, difficult experiences. It can take some work to come to accept that love doesn't have to feel that way for us.
4) They understand the need for individuality
Dating a securely attached partner means experiencing a healthy interdependence. While they cherish the relationship, they also make time for their individual growth and fulfillment. Note that I said "also"; they do not value it over the relationship, because they have the capacity for both. They encourage you to pursue your passions and goals, cheering you on every step of the way. This ability to flow between connection and autonomy cultivates a sense of empowerment and fulfillment, allowing both partners to thrive as individuals and as a couple. Your differing interests will feel exciting to learn about, not something that pulls you apart. Unlike an avoidant partner (who will prioritize their own individuality and independence over striking a balance) or an anxious partner (whose anxiety to feel loved and connected to their partner can feel almost smothering), a securely-attached partner will make time for themselves and for you. And, if they have a hard time balancing the two, they'll strive to communicate it to you in a way that isn't hurtful to you or the relationship.
5) Greater relationship satisfaction
In addition to emotional stability, dating a securely attached partner often leads to greater relationship satisfaction. Research suggests that securely attached individuals are more likely to have fulfilling and long-lasting partnerships compared to those with insecure attachment styles. Their ability to navigate intimacy and connection with ease fosters a deep sense of satisfaction and contentment within the relationship.
All that being said, it's important to remember...
Securely attached individuals are not immune to challenges. Like any other relationship, there will be disagreements, misunderstandings, and rough patches to navigate. The difference lies in how they approach these obstacles— with patience, empathy, and a commitment to growth. It's also important to remember that secure partners will not stick around for mistreatment. They believe in their worth and can bounce back from breakups more easily than insecurely attached individuals, ultimately seeking out a partner who aligns with them. Being good listeners and offering emotional support doesn't mean they will tolerate one-sided partnerships. Their partner must also be willing to be vulnerable, communicate in healthy ways, value trust, and have a sense of individuality. All of the things a secure partner brings to a relationship, their partner should be willing to bring (or work on), too.
My personal experience...
In my personal experiences, a secure relationship wasn't achieved without hard work on my part, both in and out of therapy. Moving towards security, for many people, will require a lot of inner work. I had previously been very anxiously attached and usually ended up with partners who only exacerbated that anxiety within me when they would do things like pull away, stonewall me, walk away from me when I was talking to them, constantly break promises, flirt behind my back, or make plans without telling me (sometimes deliberately leaving me in the dark in an effort to "get space"). It always left me feeling like I was at fault and that our relationship didn't matter much to them. This was before I learned about anxious and avoidant tendencies, and how I was getting caught up in a dynamic that was only making me miserable. I knew something had to change.
Over time, I worked on my communication skills and slowly healed my anxious attachment to mostly secure (blog about that journey coming soon!), but being with a partner who brought that same kind of stability to our relationship sealed the deal. It's like they just "got it"; we aligned on our values, goals, and needs within the relationship. The difference was night and day.
You don't have to be a "perfect" version of yourself to be in a satisfying relationship, but you do have to enter it with the willingness to grow as a person, confront your issues, and take responsibility for how you contribute to the dynamic. You have to be emotionally ready to accept someone who is secure with themselves into your life.
Visualize yourself in a secure relationship.
I hope this helped you visualize what it's like to be in a secure partnership. If you're not there yet, don't despair - it can be achieved! Imagine yourself experiencing all of the above points. Picture it down to the smallest detail; what might that person look like? Do they gaze at you with love in their eyes? Can you feel what the warmth and happiness within you might be like? Can you picture the two of you enjoying yourselves together? You have the power within you to heal and experience the healthy partnership you crave.
To help you get started, I developed my Heart Mender deck to help overcome breakups and prepare you for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Check it out if you want to start your Heart Mending journey!
