[7 Minute Read]

First of all, relax – You’re not a monster. And they don’t think you’re a monster. And if they do, it’s because they’re the monster.

...Just kidding, they’re probably not a monster. But you’re definitely not!

You’re going to feel like a jerk. It’s normal.

It's totally normal to feel like garbage when you're learning to set boundaries. You may come across as rude, insensitive, or aggressive. Give yourself some grace! This is a totally normal part of the process.

If you were never taught how to set boundaries, you have to learn. And, like any new skill, it takes practice. Inexperience leads us to set boundaries clumsily or perhaps even too harshly, at first.

Picture Jane, who feels resentful after constantly finishing the tasks of her coworker, Linda. One day, Jane finally snaps and blurts out to Linda, "I'm not your freakin' babysitter, Linda! Get your work done. And stop scheduling pointless meetings." — shocking both Linda and herself. (In my opinion, even this outburst is a small win. Yeeees, it could have been worded very differently...But, it's miles above constantly bottling up your feelings. It's a step in the right direction).

Still, while the need for a boundary was absolutely valid, the delivery came out reactive, fueled by Jane's ultra-carbonated, shaken, bottled-up frustration. Afterward, Jane might reflect and realize: "Next time, I want to speak up sooner, before I hit my breaking point. I want to be firm but calm."

With that insight, Jane can plan to say something like, "Hey Linda, I've had to finish a few of your tasks recently. I don't mind helping, but I have a lot on my own plate. Do you think you can do a better job of staying on top of your own tasks?" Maybe Linda is struggling with something, and this can be an opportunity for her to discuss the problem or get help.

Reflection helps you set boundaries with intention rather than defensiveness.

Instead of rushing to either agree or blurt out a reactive "No," you can think about the outcome you hope for — perhaps protecting your time without damaging the relationship. It’s okay if it feels awkward at first. Boundary-setting gets easier the more you practice it. You’ll start to trust yourself to handle these moments thoughtfully, without guilt.

Something else they don’t tell you about setting boundaries…

…Is that you’ll have to experience feelings or thoughts that are naturally uncomfortable, like the fear of disappointing others, worry about losing friends, or the dread and anxiety that comes with conflict. You may marvel at those people who know how to decline invites or added responsibilities with ease. Are they robots or something!?

Almost everyone who's good at setting boundaries was terrible at it at some point.

...They've had to burn the candle at both ends, over-extend themselves, and get walked on repeatedly before they decided: enough.  If you admire how well someone sets boundaries, try to visualize their reaction next time you're faced with a situation that needs a boundary. Do a little roleplay in your mind of how they might respond.

Now that you have awareness around your need to improve your boundary setting skills, it's time to start using that power to improve and become a boundary-setting badass.

Tip: Pause before responding

One helpful practice when you’re learning to set boundaries is to pause before responding. If a request or situation triggers that familiar "I should say yes even though I don't want to" feeling, resist the urge to react immediately. Instead, give yourself permission to take a breath. Try to label the feelings that are coming up. If you need more time, you can say something like, "Let me think about that and get back to you." If it's not face-to-face (an email or text), say nothing for at least 10 minutes. This simple pause gives you space to reflect: What do I truly want? How do I want to express it? What tone would feel both firm and kind?

The ugly truth: Setting boundaries doesn’t mean others will respect them.

In a perfect world, it goes like this: You take a deep breath. The world stills. You recognize a need for a boundary. After a short conversation with yourself, you figure out just what you need to do and how to communicate it. You set your boundary, the birds sing, the sun shines, the flowers bloom. Everyone cheers and you’re free to go about your life with less stress and more energy.

...But, in the real world, boundaries can trigger discomfort — not just in you, but in the people around you. Sometimes, setting a boundary is met with confusion, pushback, guilt trips, or even anger. It can feel like you’re doing something wrong just because someone else doesn’t like it. That’s where the real work begins: standing by your boundary even when it’s not immediately understood or celebrated. Holding steady in the face of resistance isn’t easy, but it’s the difference between living on autopilot for others and living intentionally for yourself.

You were clear enough, I promise.

If your boundaries are repeatedly ignored, it’s not because you weren’t clear — it’s because some people choose not to respect them. That’s a painful truth to sit with. When this happens, it’s no longer about better explaining yourself; it’s about protecting yourself. You may have to create distance, limit access, or even walk away — not because you’re cruel, but because you deserve relationships where your "no" is honored without punishment. Setting boundaries isn’t asking for too much; it’s asking for basic respect. Sometimes the hardest boundary you’ll ever set is deciding you won’t keep explaining yourself to people who refuse to listen.

If you're struggling, be gentle with yourself. Start small. Celebrate every moment you choose yourself, even if your voice shakes. In time, you'll find that setting boundaries isn't about becoming someone else — it's about becoming more of who you really are.

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